Letter to Her

lightfallI long for a love greater than me, greater than any human can conceive. A love than when I encounter it shatters my heart into a million pieces, a love that leaves me perplexed by the precision and the perfection with which it hits me dead center in the core of my being.

Yes, this is a cheesy love letter, to nobody in particular. This is cheesy love letter across millennia to HER. She may be in part in any of you, in all of you or in none of you. This is like a FUCK YOU WORLD I LOVE YOU letter, a letter of great pain, grief but also great passion and great joy, where pleasure meets pain on the razor’s edge called LIFE.

My dear,

I have searched for you in every woman and I will continue to do so against all the rules and regulations of society, for my heart can never be content with what this world will freely give me. There may be no hope for me to ever find you in your totality, but I will keep trying to find you, or to build you in every woman I encounter.

For I was never in love with any physical manifestation of you, but with you, the eternal, the absolute, the all you can be you! I know you have sent me only angels to love me, and you embodied yourself in them to some extent. Believe me, I tried to be as much of an avatar of their perfect mate as I could knowing in all of them I serve you.

I know you are a fantasy, my fantasy. Yes, I am chasing day-dreams but I am not rejecting this world, in fact nothing could be further from the truth! I am trying to sculpt this world so it may be a hospitable place for when you do arrive. And I know there is no possibility you will not like it or me, since I hear your voice clearly in my heart and it speaks to me louder than any human voice ever will.

I am doing my best to block out all the nay-sayers who say “You are just deluding yourself with these childish fantasies, you are not ready for the responsibilities of an adult relationship and so you reject any form of real intimacy with a real woman”. I do not see myself as childish, nor choose to submit to the logic of those who do not know my soul.

How would they understand what it means to be in love with you across not only this lifetime but all the past and future lives? Security is not for me. It doesn’t mean I do not crave it. In fact, I think I want it more than the other folks. I am just facing the fact that it is a real possibility that I am just chasing a chimera, a figment of my imagination with no place in reality.

I am chasing a dream, it’s true. And it is not in possessing the dream I find my joy, though, to be frank, I wouldn’t mind meeting you in the flesh and bone that your soul is happy to inhabit fully. I find my joy in the journey. I find my joy in being the seeker of you. Sometimes I think this is the reason you do not show up, cause then I wouldn’t be seeking you, would I? I would have to face having found you. Now wouldn’t that be something?

For only you can know me fully without having been near me every day of my life. I want you to understand me even deeper and more fully than I understand myself, and I want to understand you deeper than you understand yourself. But how could you if you were not endowed with something supernatural , that intuition, that seeing beyond the immediately discernible and glimpsing eternity in a single second.

 The air you breathe, your whole demeanor and vibe is outer-wordly. Cause like me, you are in this world, but not of this world. You recognize the divine spark in both of us, and while non-believers will ask us about the bills and deem us arrogant and blasphemous, you know they are just unable to see the world through our eyes.  And the world through your eyes is Gorgeous! And you through my eyes and the world you create around you is gorgeous too.

It seems only befitting that if such a soul would ever take residence in this world, it would inhabit only a body beautiful by any standards. So I look for beauty, not for the sake of beauty itself, but because it would be a good indicator as to where your soul may reside.

It may be a longshot, but I still feel I may yet find almost the totality of you in a single person. I know it’s a lot to ask from any human female, and I wouldn’t want to impose on anyone my ideal of feminity, but truth be told, even if I could, I would still not stop searching for you. Cause I am your Animus and you are my Anima  and it is our eternal seeking of each other that keeps this whole thing going.

I will have to learn not to get burnt out while searching for you. You wouldn’t want to find me burnt out from too much seeking when you finally arrive, would you? You’re right, I should take it more lightly and actually enjoy the road. In fact that’s the whole purpose. You’ve sprinkled glitterdust of yourself all around my experience. A little in this woman, a little in that, and maybe a lot in my current mate. Thank you, you did a great job!

I will still be seeking you though, and even though it may bother or offend many, if they are to truly understand my heart, they will get that what I seek can be embodied, but chances are slim that it will be a 100% match. Yes, I am a perfectionist. 90% is not enough. I am interested in those 10% extra, the 10% that make 90% of the difference.

In the mean time, thank you for loving me through all the women in my life, thank you for the gifts of love you send me and for you generosity, thank you for bestowing your inspiration and your blessings on me and be assured I will keep on my tireless search to seek, uncover and honor you in every woman I meet.

Yours Eternally Faithful,